Sunday, June 28, 2009

Melancholy Day

Had a pretty melancholy day today. The morning felt good, especially since I spent it reading the last hundred pages of a book I love. The afternoon wasn't very productive, and my mood started to go downhill. As the evening approached, my productivity increased and my mood continued to plummet.

I did manage to get one project pretty much done today -- done enough, anyway. I did a bit of laundry, put away a few dishes, but didn't get to half of what I planned to do today.

Elric was out all day, from before I woke up until past 11pm. My phone didn't ring all day, until he called to say he was on his way home. I felt more and more lonely, and alone, all day. Even after he got home, I still felt alone.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Staying Up Too Late

Why is it that the later in the evening I stay up, the more depressed and despondent I feel? I keep telling myself to get to bed by midnight, and I keep letting it not happen. And yet, the longer I sit on the couch, the more miserable I am. It's not just that I'm the only one awake; it starts before Elric hits the sack. Then there's always on more thing I want to finish. But once he's gone to bed, I'll throw on a TV show from TiVo. I'll have finished whatever I wanted to work on, but now the show's not over. (Don't try to give me the logic that the show is on TiVo and I can finish watching it whenever I want -- this is accurate logic, but it apparently has no place in my midnight mind.)

We have a revised plan in place right now to try to become pregnant. I took concrete steps today toward furthering the plan. (More on that in another post.) I heard about some things today that are encouraging, and certainly supportive. Many people are praying for us, and for me, everywhere from locally, a state or two away, and even as far away as Nicaragua.

So why am I still feeling despondent tonight? With so many people praying for me ... with friendships being renewed stronger than before ... with friends sharing their own, similar experiences ... why do I still feel so alone?

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Follow-Up Appointment

We had the follow-up appointment with my OB/GYN this evening. All the fertility bloodwork came back fine and normal for me. The HSG (internal X-ray) they did of me was very good, showing no blockages or obstructions in my tubes.

Test results for my husband (we'll call him Elric) came back close enough to a normal count that the doctor wasn't concerned about it (44 million when a normal rage is 50-150 million). He has a follow-up scheduled with his doctor about the results that did show some red blood cells in his specimen, which is sometimes evidence of an infection.

We also ran a few different thyroid tests on me, as I have a family history of thyroid disease, and have been borderline underactive in the past. My TSH (thyroid hormone) levels came back normal, which is good. If they are low, that can make conception difficult. However, it turns out that my body is manufacturing antibodies against my thyroid. It's as if my system doesn't recognize the thyroid as being my own.

We made an appointment for another follow-up at the end of August. In the meantime, Elric will have a follow-up with his doctor, I'll go to see an endocrinologist to discuss the antibody issue and see how we want to address that, and we're going to pick up a fertility test kit.

The doc recommended Clear Blue Easy. On her orders, we'll continue to try on the schedule that we have been, but we'll make sure it coincides with the results from the test kit. The doc also wants me to track the results from the kit tests. Today is day 5, and we're to start testing around day 10 or 11, so I'm going to buy the kit tomorrow. We'll start trying again on day 10, and go for every other day.

I'd love to have a follow-up with the GYN before the end of August, but she wants us to have enough time to have our appointments with the other doctors, and to try a few cycles with the fertility test kit. If we don't have luck by the time of our follow-up with her, we'll look at putting me on Clomid or something similar.

We'll see where this all goes!

A Little History & Welcome

I'm Friday. I'm 34 and my husband and I have been married for 13 years as of this past weekend. I'm quite focused on (some may say obsessed with) getting pregnant. I very much want to be a mother, and while I know having children won't be easy, I never dreamed that just conceiving them could be this difficult. This blog is my way of sharing the journey I'm on.

A little history about our background in attempting to conceive...

We started trying to conceive almost three years ago. I got pregnant almost right away, in December of 2006. At 8 weeks, in February of 2007, I miscarried, and we've been trying again ever since. We consulted a midwife, but have pretty much just been trying on our own, attempting to time it correctly by the calendar.

A few months ago, I finally admitted that we weren't having any luck. The clock is ticking too quickly (and very loudly), so over the last month we've been doing a number of tests to find out what's going on. We have a follow-up appointment with my doctor this Thursday night (tomorrow!) to find out all our test results, and come up with some kind of plan.

I'm finding it harder and harder to stay on an even keel emotionally, and I have very conflicted feelings about what I want the test results to say. Part of me doesn't want anything to be wrong ... who wants to find out something's wrong with you? But at the same time, if nothing's wrong, why am I not pregnant? So maybe I do want the results to show something wrong, so that we can then address it. At the same time, I really don't want to have to go through fertility treatments. I've always been so sure that I wouldn't need that ... I may be getting my comeuppence!

I'm having a difficult time dealing with the repeated disappointment each month. I very recently started seeing a therapist to try to deal with this issue. I'm hoping the therapy helps, but this blog is also part of my self-prescribed treatment. If I'm lucky, this will give me a place to open up and vent my hopes, fears, frustrations, disappointments, and (very hopefully) successes in this odyssey to become a mother.

Thanks for reading. I'm going to be as open as possible about what I'm going through. Although I often feel completely alone in this pursuit, I know I can't be the only woman going through this. Comments are open and will remain so, unless I'm haunted by trolls. I intend to retain my anonymity here, so if you know me in real life, please respect that.

Welcome to my journey.